O Glorious Breakthrough

It has been more difficult than I realized to write my thoughts when they're peppier and less gloomy, and that has made this entry particularly trying. Mostly I think I'm afraid of coming off as too syrupy sweet and full of fluff, when substance and depth is what I hope for; alas, I'll try to remove myself from Cloud 9 so that my good news will be worth the read.

I wasn't expecting a breakthrough to happen so soon. In fact, I was bracing myself for a period of an unknown number of years full of all the crap I've already written about before. Maybe this season of struggle isn't really a season at all, but is my new reality. I just didn't want to get my hopes up. After all, I would read my Bible on occasion, but most of the time I felt numb when I did. Maybe there was a verse or two here and there that stuck with me or made me feel at peace, but mostly I just saw a bunch of lifeless words on a page.

Admittedly, I sucked at opening that thick book on a regular basis. It spent more time gathering dust while sitting on my bedside table than it did with the pages supine. Trying to motivate myself to read even a few verses felt like it required the effort it would take to push a giant boulder uphill while I'd be wearing roller skates. I just. didn't. want. to. do. it. Being in that rut sucked and I wasn't sure I had the energy or desire to fight my way through it,

But one day a few weeks ago, I started to challenge myself. (I have no idea where this newfound motivation came from, but I was thankful for that drop of life-giving water.) You know, if you keep sitting here like this, nothing is going to change. So why not do the very thing you don't want to do and choose to fight your way through these doldrums? So that evening I picked up my Bible, opened it, and [gasp] READ IT. The next evening I followed suit.

I believe that second night was the catalyst for my 180-degree turn. Begrudgingly I had opened that professional dust-collector to Isaiah 54 and the first three verses did absolutely nothing for me. Why is this so difficult? I asked myself. You used to feel so joyful when you read these verses; so why is this so difficult now? Then I read verses 4-5 and that's when that dusty light bulb turned on:

Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed;

Neither be disgraced, for you will

not be put to shame;

For you will forget the shame of your youth,

And will not remember the reproach of 

your widowhood anymore.

For your Maker is your husband,

The LORD of hosts is his name;

And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel;

He is called the God of the whole earth. (Bold print mine)

Back in my first blog entry, I hypothesized that maybe in my arid season I just needed to "let God love the hell out of me," but I wasn't doing that. Some of my wounds felt too tender to touch; I still didn't quite trust God to take care of my pain and turn it into something beautiful. But these verses reminded me of his mercy and love, and all of my walls crumbled. I felt joy and peace and relief again; any anger or resentment I had for more than a year concerning church and faith disappeared. And the depression with which I co-existed for the past few years and which only grew worse these three recent months? Gone. 

I don't think I ever imagined myself having the kind of testimony that feels as dramatic as the one I just recounted here. This good little church girl turned into a rebel, wandered into a desert full of doubt and anger, and finally made her exodus having rediscovered grace and peace and the unconditional love of Jesus Christ. For all my struggles, I am glad I endured them because he has made me stronger. When in doubt, look for the Author of hope. He is always there.

Therefore I am now going to allure her;

I will lead her into the desert

and speak tenderly to her.

There I will give her back her vineyards,

and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.

There she will sing as in the days of her youth,

as in the day she came up out of Egypt. (Hosea 2:14-15, NIV)

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. 

(Romans 5:4, NIV)