Some time ago I came across an inspirational quote on Pinterest that has since stayed with me: "Healing isn't linear." Considering the crazy amount of damage I took time to heal last year, it was a comfort to me, as my own healing journey has been anything BUT linear. Often I would wonder why I took three steps forward and two more steps back, one forward and two back . . . you get the point. I considered myself weak and inconsistent for not constantly moving up the incline toward that plateau with a neon sign that screams, "You have arrived!" Nope.
Last year was a tough one to climb -- I don't regret or hate my journey, as I have developed a few "muscles" I didn't have before and healed wounds that have stayed with me, literally, since my formative childhood years -- but despite all my progress, rebuilding my Christian faith is still a massive undertaking. I've returned to the church I went to before shit hit the fan; I left the same church feeling like maybe it's not a fit anymore; I've attempted to go to different churches and chickened out; and once more I revisited that same church with which I was at odds; yet still I hold out hope that my feet will not quit on me again, and one day soon I will walk into a new building full of people I've yet to meet. I anticipate I will be hesitantly excited about it. (Does that even make sense? Hoping for this new thing to be exciting and life-giving, as intimidating as it can be?) I've been present as often as absent from a Bible study full of friends I've known for a few years, yet I haven't been able to shake the feeling that I've been in over my head. I know it's silly to assume everyone else's life or faith seems so stable when I've only been given a small window that opens into a tiny room of one friend's (or many friends') entire existence, but that's how I was feeling: everyone else was a mature adult swimming in the deep end of practicing Christianity, while I was lagging behind and not strong enough to keep my head just above the surface where they freely swam.
Staying in the former atmosphere made me feel like I was holding others back from learning all they could. My questions felt like a distraction. (It's possible I'm overthinking things -- I'm a master at that -- but that's neither here nor there at the moment.) Finally I had to admit my current faith lacks the strength and stamina it once had. Maybe over time I have become a "baby" Christian again and need to relearn the basics before I jump back into the deep end. I'm putting myself back in the baby pool, so to speak. Willingly I am entering a season of rebuilding my faith into something that, I hope, will be motivated more by a genuine love for God and people instead of a faith that is driven by fear of judgment and condemnation. I'll make awkward and failed attempts at unlearning all the unnecessary rules I diligently learned to follow years ago, but I believe the effort will be worth it.
