Once time
in college a group of us were playing a game in which one of the questions
asked was, "If you were to write a book about your life, what would be the
title"? I remember very clearly entitling mine Rising from the
Ashes. This is no book, but it's my own writing that graces this blog, and
that's good enough for me.
I have contemplated writing a new entry for
quite some time but have been stumped as to what to write about. Sure, there's
been an update in my faith struggle -- which is still riddled with questions
and enough cynicism at which I could shake a branch (Definitely not a stick!);
however, a lot of healing has taken place, and that's one of the reasons I
started this blog: for the sake of my own healing and maybe someone else's too.
So here I go again.
If you aren’t familiar with my story or any of my
entries, one of my most recent blurbs was my struggle to trudge through
depression. Last year my parents connected me with a counselor who was a godsend for me,
and still is, as she helped me not only make sense of the Shadows that had
engulfed my life, but also guided me in untying a lot of insecurities that had
built up over time. I am very grateful for her strong ability to aid me in my emotional
and mental healing. While the suggestion of dealing with depression via
medication was discussed, I took a chance at taking multivitamins and, for the
most part, I have very little dealings with my Shadows since then. It doesn’t mean
they will never pop up again – depression runs in the family, so I am
susceptible to it when life gets hard – but so far I have escaped from my own
Shawshank Prison, climbed my own Mt. Doom, or what have you. Point is, I have “crawled
through a river of shit and come clean on the other side” (The Shawshank
Redemption, 1994). I guess you could say so far I am kicking depression in the
ass and enjoying it. (I swear I’m not a violent person.)
While there is still my faith struggle to work through
– the biggest, nastiest lump of them all – there is progress there also. While
I still get tangled up in a wad there also has been restoration. It is a slow healing but it’s
been confusingly beautiful in how it’s unfolded. I became connected to a
Celebrate Recovery group at a local church that has allowed me to be a mess of
issues. While I’m the only one in the group that I know of who struggles with a
background in Christian legalism, never have I felt judged for the few times I
have opened up and shared part of my story. We all are trying not to let hurts
and hang-ups control our lives.
Finding a church to attend, however, is still problematic. While
part of me craves a church to call home, getting
myself to that nestled comfort of familiarity is a very big challenge that I am
quite unsure of how to confront. Call me a wuss if you want; call me lazy,
unmotivated, lukewarm, or rebellious, but mostly the whole process is overwhelming and is
only what I can describe as “sensory overload”. New building, people I don’t
know, a worship band and singers that are foreign to me while singing songs
that I can’t help but pick apart theologically and cynically, a pastor I want to learn from but don't know if I can yet trust even a little bit… ugh. After an
hour of taking it all in while trying to be an active participant, I’m
depleted. I’m stumped and have no idea if approaching this challenge day by day
is what I’m supposed to do. The only solution I can muster is reading a few
verses in my Bible at night (when I actually do open it, which isn't consistently), accompanied by
a Max Lucado devotional, Grace for the
Moment, and hope that it ignites a beautiful love for God again. It’s a work in
progress.
Despite the fact that I know I’m still a mess, I’m
more comfortable with where I am and ultimately am trying to learn to surrender
to God and his will. I’m not where I want to be – I’m nowhere close to it – but
I’m still trying to learn about grace instead of condemning myself when I know
I’ve fallen way short. But the
beautiful thing about this curious circumstance is somehow I still believe in
the goodness and loving nature of my Creator; and somehow, despite all the crap
I’ve endured, I still believe He leads me in unconditional love and that will
take me all the way home. That is the only thing that gives me a hope draped in
peace and restoration.
"You've seen my descent, now watch my rising" -Rumi
