As I write this, I'm sitting outside in a gazebo while listening to the chirpings of the night. It's a different venue for my thoughts to come out and it's peaceful. I kind of like it a lot.
The whole reason I started this blog was to give myself a place to grapple, complain, get excited about, and even question my faith. Seven or eight months ago I had what I thought was a wonderful breakthrough that lifted my depression and, with it, a lot of anger and frustration toward the church and Christianity in general. I thought it was an experience or moment that would stick, but it didn't. Because it has blown away again, I constantly blame myself for not getting past all of my faith struggles. I feel like it's my fault.
Here's where I feel like I've realized a few things: as much as churches try to pass off faith as a feel-good-your-life-is-now-fixed experience, I disagree with it. That's partly a "health and wealth" theology that I don't completely agree with. Does God permanently lift depression or heal other diseases for good? Yes, I believe he can. All the time? No, he doesn't. I don't have answers as to why. No clue. But what I do know is the performance-based faith that I've railed against for the past few years is one I have slipped back into without realizing it. All the "Am I doing enough?" questions have invaded my brain territory again; some days I am afraid I've failed because my faith and the expression of it doesn't look like what I often see in churches on Sunday.
I wish I didn't feel so weird and, let's be honest, so unmotivated. I used to have sizeable dreams and goals when it came to my faith in Jesus; now I feel like what I used to want has been demolished and I have no clue what my true interests are. But I guess I've recently had the goal to love people. No matter who or where, love them. Listen to problems, be a solid emotional support when things have turned more sour than sweet, and act justly and mourn for those who have experienced tragedy. And I'm tired. I'm lonely because I feel like sometimes I'm carrying the weight of the world's grief on my shoulders. Constant emotional and spiritual fatigue is supposed to be the life of a Christian? No! Jesus said he came so that we may have life and have it to the full.
I'm frustrated that many churches I've been a member of over the years talk a whole lot about serving and giving God your best all the time, but mention very little of rest. It pisses me off, to be honest. We are called to a life of service, sure, but that doesn't mean we have to exhaust ourselves to the point of burnout.
I'm trying not to let legalism get to me again, but its roots have reached deeper than I previously thought. I need to give myself permission to let this healing and restructuring of my faith take time, but it's difficult when I have perfectionist I-want-results-now kind of tendencies. Major change doesn't happen immediately. I need to remember this. I also need to give myself permission to fall down a lot (Which I am. So much.) and, dammit, to be imperfect. But mostly I know I need to remember that my failures don't determine or diminish my worth in God's eyes. I'm perfectly loved always, no matter what.
