[Disclaimer: Blog post written from the app on my phone. Please excuse any odd formatting that currently is out of my control. Laptop is out of commission at the moment.]
This post will be a more 'train of thought exercise,' so expect choppy waters ahead.
Thank you, Rolling Stones, for writing that classic song "You Can't Always Get What You Want" because the chorus is so friggin' true it hurts.
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime, you find
You get what you need
Yup. Sometime in September of last year I decided to ask myself what dreams or goals I would pursue if I had no limitations of any kind standing in my way. In other words, what would I give myself permission to pursure if I knew I had full capabilities and could not fail? I had -- and still have -- a running list of possibilities, and within the last few months, I seriously and prayerfully considered one of my items: to go to Seminary.
I looked at brochures, received mail from one of the seminaries in town, saw the class prices (which nearly melted my face off in a kind of Spielberg/Indiana Jones type of way), and asked if the only career option that caught my attention would be a good fit for me.
When I saw a degree for Biblical Counseling, I was intrigued and I thought, This might be something to consider. And why not? I love creating and maintaining a kind of friendship that allows those I care about to come, be who they are, share their burdens, and in general just drop the façade of perfection. I'm not claiming I'm good at this all the time, but when those real moments happen, I treasure them. Maybe it's self-centered to be glad that someone feels comfortable enough with me to admit when life has turned to shit, but I still love that authenticity nonetheless.
While I mulled over all the joys, stressors, and questions that come with going back to school while working full time, I had to ask myself if an emotionally challenging career move would be something I could handle. Sure I love those unplanned moments when a friend and I bond over hardships -- that's just a few moments out of my day -- but can I take that strain session after session, day after week after month, and so on? Considering my immensely sensitive emotional state (been that way ever since I can remember . . . and that's okay), I think I realized it's a career that would chew me up and spit me out. I would drown under the burden in an attempt to buoy another soul.
Mostly I was at peace when I stopped trying to force myself to take leaps of faith forward that probably weren't meant to be taken; but just outside of that peace leaked in a lot of self-loathing and discouragement when I realized my answer to this particular desire was "No." Why can't you be strong enough like most people are? You absolute fucking failure. Are you even of use to anybody? Harsh words toward myself, I know. (I'm working on that, but clearly I have relapses.)
The more I looked at the situation and the more I prayed that God would ease my pain so that I wouldn't feel like someone who isn't smart enough or strong enough to carry out this dream I had, the more I saw His grace in not giving me what I thought I wanted. What I wanted would have crushed me; what He wants will not only add life and joy to my existence, but to that of others, as well. And that is my overarching dream: to be a breath of life, encouragement, hope, and strength for others, all while asking God to let that lead wherever he wants to take me. (Lord, that is a terrifying prayer.)
So maybe carrying out this dream I have means God is asking me to courageously stay where I am at the moment. (When many have suggested that I do something else with my life other than my current job, yes, staying still requires strength.) Maybe I'll be called elsewhere soon or farther down the road. I don't know, and this drives me absolutely bonkers because I need to see the road map. But I'm trying to learn to trust that when God says 'No,' It's not just a flat denial; sometimes He's telling me to wait, or that dreaded, heart-sinking 'no' actually means, "I have something better in mind."
When I lay all of my dreams on that alter, sometimes the sacrifice will be carried out in full and the knife plunges, and the "no" hurts like hell. Sometimes the knife will be raised, only for the hand to be stayed, and the dream survives. (This is all Abraham & Isaac/Old Testament parallels here.) But when the dream dies, the plans change, and I don't get what I thought I would, I hope I can still say to God, Thank you for knowing what I need to carry out Your will, and mean it.
Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
He will make your righteousness
shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. (Psalm 37:5-6, NIV)
But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations. (Psalm 33:11, NIV)
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28, NIV)
